When I was 12 I started having trouble landing “big” acting jobs. Several times I made it to the final group for Broadway shows and didn’t land the job, I was told by casting directors that I wasn’t “street enough” for some big film roles, I wasn’t a good enough dancer, etc. The worst experience though, was when they said nothing at all. I showed up for an audition and instead was placed in a lineup, typecast, and sent home with no explanation. By the age of 14 I was a wreck when it came to auditioning. I was extremely nervous, I’d cry when I got a “no”, and I’d look at the breakdown and sides for roles and ask my agent to cancel the auditions because I knew I wouldn’t book them. By the age of 16, I had stopped acting.
So what happened? Well, when you’re constantly being told that you’re not good enough (directly or indirectly) it has a major impact on your confidence and self-image (especially as a child). So I began using self-rejection as a coping strategy for the shame and sadness that came along with rejection from others (i.e. not getting a role), and that is something that carried into my young adult life.
When I moved to LA at 21, I made a commitment to do the necessary mental and emotional work to address the issues I had stemming from my childhood in Entertainment. I now consider myself a “recovering child actor” (a term I first heard used by Mara Wilson - the star of Matilda). Finally at the age of 23, I had a paradigm shift. I realized that “no” isn’t always a total rebuke of me or my talent, and even if it is - that’s okay too. Not every opportunity is meant for you, but if you don’t “show up” you won’t find out.
When auditioning now, what matters to me is that I come prepared and give it my best effort. As long as I’ve done that, win or lose, I’m fine. Of course I still want to book work and excel in my career, but instead of using the job for validation of my talent, I validate myself.
This newfound confidence was put to the test when I was auditioning for a music pilot for FOX in 2019. Before my audition I met with the show’s vocal coach to warm-up and get last minute tips before meeting with the producers. When I was done singing for him he took a long pause and then said “Hmm, your voice is interesting. I’m not sure if you can sing or not.” My face was frozen with a fake smile! In the past, I would’ve been really hurt by these comments. But this time, I walked out of that room and actually laughed. I nailed my audition with the producers, and spent the next 3 weeks working on the pilot - so there's that. The takeaway isn’t that I booked the gig, rather, it’s that I didn’t let his comments shake me or alter my confidence.
I know that I’m a talented singer and actor, and within that I’ve found my purpose: using my gifts to bring others joy. I often say that singing is the outward manifestation of the piece of God that lives inside of me, and if I truly believe that, I can never feel as though my gift isn’t enough.
I no longer give people the power to change how I feel about my talent, or myself in general. I believe that if I continue applying this mindset to other areas of my life, not only will I be more confident, but I’ll enjoy a life filled with inner peace and happiness.
